Sunday, 25 October 2009

Sunday, 18 October 2009

Saturday, 17 October 2009

  • i would like to dance away my life


    it is so sad when people you know become people you knew. read that from somewhere. and it is just so true. when people you know become people you knew. when the never-ending supply of topics to talk about shrinks to nothing but awkward silence and having to resort to ice-breaking games. when that entire aura of lethargic and fatigue, which was once always forgotten whenever the group is together, lingers around. when a hug becomes to be like a formality, instead of a true hug from deep down. people don’t change, they just become more clearly themselves. true, or not. maybe, maybe not. it is so sad. having to force out a smile, not genuine. just trying not to spoil the mood. playing along, laughing along. but nothing is how i really feel. doing things that are just... not me. pushing myself to do it. just for the rest. so as to not spoil the so-called fun (or at least to the rest it’s fun) i question myself over and over again, where is that fun and excitement that i use get. it’s gone. vanished.it seems that everything is becoming so... superficial. perhaps it is just me, and i do hope it is.



    less than a week before turning seventeen. no excitement. not at all. not looking forward to it either. weird. i know. but it is like turning seventeen and becoming one year older, it’s just seems to mean that i am older and i have to be more mature. it means that i have to take up more responsibilities. it means that i have more freedom. how ironic. freedom scares me. especially when it means more responsibilities and in one way or another, more restrictions. last few days before sixteen passes, end, and never to appear anywhere in my life again. the thought that i probably have not spend it well but idle it away. guilt.



    ac games. sunburnt. lost. floorball. frisbee. captain’s ball. soccer. human checkers. bridge. milo. songs. taylor swift’s you belong with me. she wears short skirt i wear t-shirts. talks. what kind of guy suits xxx. cam-whores. cheers. ad one. that probably sums up the last two days. fun at times, boring at others. but at least, i managed to get my mind off things - results and exams.



    baked. marble cake. with the new kitchenaid mixer. love it. love my mum for making such an awesome investment. the richness of the chocolate lingers. niceee. heating it up again, topping it with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream. heavenly.



    new luggage arrived. mummy bought it specially for my japan trip (which is in slightly less than two months time, if i didn’t count wrongly). pretty. 27”. speaking about japan trip, i can’t wait. the great company, nice weather (i hope), food, japannn. and at least, i could get away from stuff for a while.



    next week. results. more chinese. more project work. hope everything goes well.





Saturday, 10 October 2009

  • take me away. i want to leave this place, at least for now.




    left this space for quite some time. too many things going on - promotional exams, mum’s op, daily panic attacks. have been studying at starbucks for really long hours - going there at 4pm, leave at near midnight, or reaching there at 7.30am, and then rushing off to school at 1pm. crazy routine, staying up till unearthly hours trying to absorb as much as possible, which i guess i didn’t. going to school but not attending lessons, just sitting there and studying. so i guess my life has nothing more than studying for the past weeks. studying, studying and more studying.



    panic attacks.
    i hadn’t gotten one in a really long time. although i get it quite a lot when i was younger, not recent years. when they occur, i snap, go insane for that period of time, lapse into a temporal mental disorder, the nervous system in my mind messes up, and probably my tear ducts as well - malfunctions. i never get them this frequently. daily panic attacks. sometimes before my paper, others while studying. i hate it. but i can’t control it or prevent it from happening. well, i figured that the best thing that i can do is probably be to just allow it to happen and pick myself up immediately. it is better than having it during my examination.



    the past week was just... short, intense, tedious, draining, exhausting. it wheezed pass a lot quicker than i thought. but the lactic acid build up in this anaerobic examination period. i wonder how long i will take before i recover from this over-exhaustion. i hope i can win this battle against exams, even if it is marginal. but it seems that upon winning this, i’m losing myself. i don’t know who i really am. aimlessly doing nothing but studying. robot, structured. nothing else. putting up that front to try to hold on to who i really am tires me out. not at this time, no. is it worth it to lose myself to get academic success (which just comes down to nothing but a mere alphabet), is it really worth what i am sacrificing.



    waking up in the middle of the night. in cold sweat. in a frantic state. thinking that i am late for the paper. or freaking out. feel that sudden urge that i have to look through my notes again. but upon looking through them, they just appear to be so... foreign, as if i have never read them in my entire life. the words fail to string up to sentences i understand, even if it was a simple statement. panic strikes. i start to break down, slowly yet painfully. crumble. i just start to cry. does crying help? i think it does, even though i might not understand why i am crying.



    it has been so tough. tough. difficult. i wonder how i am supposed to do my a’s next year if this goes on. i can’t even handle this amount of stress now, what about next year, that tremendous amount that is probably a million times (or more) greater than this. all the hard work i’ve put in would just flushed down within that insignificant few seconds of my life. just like that.



    i wish that i am much stronger than this.
    but i guess
    i am not.
    i'm losing it all.